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Do You Know Who You Are and What You Want From Life?

BY ARLENE F. HARDER, MA, MFT

"Where am I? Who am I?

How did I come to be here?

What is this thing called the world?

How did I come into the world?

Why was I not consulted?

And if I am compelled to take part in it,

Where is the director?

I want to see him."

—Soren Kierkegaard

I've always liked questions. Questions open doors behind which lie fascinating answers one might never have discovered without the question. I especially like questions that require more than a simple "yes" or "no." And the most interesting of all are questions that lead to why a person believes a certain thing and how he or she came to a particular conclusion or belief.

Not everyone is interested in questions. Some people are able to go their whole lives without any curiosity as to the origins of who they are and how they live. Socrates would consider their unexamined lives not worth living. I've simply made the observation, both in my own life and in working with clients, that when parents have problems with their children, it's often because they have been unconsciously allowing some pattern of their parents to be carried over into a new generation, without considering whether it's how they truly want to live, and whether that is how they want to raise their own children. [See Have a Plan and Know Yourself .]

Most of all, I've discovered that when you ask questions about how you came to be who you are — that is, how you developed your personality style and coping skills, how you deal with negative emotions and express positive qualities, your religious and spiritual experiences, how you get along with people, and even what you believe about social and political issues — you will understand yourself so much better. And the more you understand who you are and what makes you tick, with all your strengths and weaknesses, the more you can help your children come to understand themselves.

When you examine what kind of life you want to live (just as I suggest you do for your children in Have a Plan and Know Yourself), you may discover you are doing exactly what you are meant to do with your life. However, you just may discover that you're not heading in the direction that truly meets your deepest desires and most important values. You may be clear about your role in being a parent, but that is only one aspect of your life. What about the rest of your life? Do you know what you want?

The questions for this article are a very few from several hundred that will be available when I complete some e-books scheduled for this fall. Like the questions and topics I suggest in Teach Your Child to Think Clearly and Solve Problems, they are designed to get to the "why" and "how" of your life.

Your Motivation to Change

"Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going."

—Jim Ryun

On a scale of 1 to 10 ("1" meaning you are almost never motivated to change your behavior and attitude toward life and "10" that almost all the time you am motivated to improve yourself and see how you might be better than you have been in the past), what rating would you give yourself?

Your Philosophy of Life

"Tell me what gives a man or woman their greatest pleasure and I'll tell you their philosophy of life."

—Dale Carnegie

How would you describe your philosophy of life?

Your Mother's Influence on You

"Out of the corner of one eye, I could see my mother. Out of the corner of the other eye, I could see her shadow on the wall, cast there by the lamplight. It was a big and solid shadow, and it looked so much like my mother that I became frightened. For I could not be sure whether for the rest of my life I would be able to tell when it was really my mother and when it was really her shadow standing between me and the rest of the world."

—Jamaica Kincaid, Annie John

What was the best gift your mother gave you? Why do you consider it the best?

What did you want from your mother that she was unable to give? Why?

How do you see your mother in yourself?

Your Father's Influence on You

"It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was."

—Anne Sexton

What did your father teach you about love and about men? How?

What was your father's favorite saying about life?

How did the way your father was raised influence how he raised you?

Family

"Family life! The United Nations is child's play compared to the tugs and splits and need to understand and forgive in any family."

—May Sarton

It is said that each child carves a place for himself or herself out of the family so that he or she can be special in some way. How did you choose to be different?

Even if you don't feel you "chose" to be different in some way, how were you different than others in your family?

What effect does this have on you today?

© Copyright 2005, Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT

Are You Focused on the Donut or the Hole?

Often when people begin to explore who they are, they immediately notice their flaws. You have them, of course, as we all do, and you are likely to find them even without looking hard. However, when you're focused on what you don't like about yourself, it's hard to appreciate all your fine qualities.

If you don't keep your faults in perspective, you become like my son the day he came home from a school field trip to the science museum. I asked him how his day went. "Bad," he replied. "Bad?," I echoed. "Were the exhibits not what you thought they would be?" "No, they were good." "Was the bus ride bad?" "No, that was okay." Finally, after a long question-and-answer period along these lines, I would discover he didn't like the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I packed for his lunch.

So when you are trying to figure out your life, I hope you will be able to be like a friend of mine who, when I asked how she was doing, said, "My problem with my daughter is causing me tremendous pain and worry, but other than that, my life is doing just fine."

When you acknowledge how wonderful you are, despite an occasional wart here or there, you will have so much more to contribute to the world through your particular gifts.

Knowing Your Purpose in Life Can Help You Guide Your Children in Finding Theirs

"Every human being has a work to carry on within, duties to perform abroad, influence to exert, which are peculiarly his, and which no conscience but his own can teach."

—William Ellery Channing

Is there something your conscience tells you you must do in life? What is it?

If you sense there is something you am supposed to do with your life, but have not discovered what that is, how can you go about learning what it may be?