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Do You Focus on Your Child's Self-Esteem?

BY ARLENE F. HARDER, MA, MFT

Have you noticed lately an increasing emphasis on praising children for everything? They bring home stickers of GOOD JOB for doing the most basic things.

Jane Lebak, author of “The Craze for Endless Praise” in Mothering Magazine, December, 2004, notes that her son not only brings home endless notes praising him for “Excellent work in MATH” and “Good job in PAYING ATTENTION,” but also “Excellent work in GOOD JOB.” The day before she wrote the article on praise, he even got a “Tooth Award” when his tooth fell out. He didn’t get it from a dentist telling him he had been doing a good job of brushing. He simply got the “award” because his tooth fell out. She asks, “Does he need motivation to lose more teeth?”

I believe I understand the good intentions behind this emphasis on praise. It comes in part from the swing of the praise-criticize pendulum. When I was growing up many decades ago, if I got all A’s and one B, I would be questioned closely on why I got the B. It’s taken me years to overcome the feeling that I’m not really okay unless I win the highest prize or get the best score on a test.

As clinicians saw the damage that too much pressure creates, they went overboard the other way. Thinking children didn’t have enough “self-esteem,” they decided the way to give them a better sense of their own worth was to tell them they were just fine as they were.

That approach might have kept me from believing I always had to be “doing” something and I still have a hard time doing nothing but relaxing. On the other hand, what does a child learn when she gets praise for scribbling a picture of a tree that looks nothing like a tree? The fact that she drew something is, in itself, supposed to be wonderful. I agree that drawing is great. I also believe that a child knows that her picture isn’t really a great tree picture.

What encouraging words can you say about any art work or creative endeavor short of giving praise for something that doesn’t deserve a reward other than the acknowledgement that the child was creative? You can tell her, “I like the color you chose [if, in fact, you do].” You can ask her, “What do you like about the picture?” You can ask her, “Do you think you’re good at drawing trees?”

And what do you say if she declares, “I’m not really good at trees?” Well, that gives you a chance to say, “Honey, not everyone needs to be good at drawing trees, but if you want to get better at it, I’ll bet you could keep practicing until you drew trees just the way you wanted them to look.”

Think what you’re teaching your child when you respond in this way. You’re not telling her she’s great when she isn’t and setting her up for the expectation she should be praised for any work she puts out. You’re giving her encouragement to set her own goals and standards and the belief in her ability to reach them.

One of the most important things to consider about praise when children are very little is that they grow up. What will they do when they reach high school and don’t get praised for just showing up to class? What will they do when they reach the workplace and aren’t praised by their boss for showing up? How will they react when they fail at a major task if they expect to be praised for minor ones?

What does failure teach children? Failure teaches them that they missed the mark they were aiming for, so then they can aim better next time or shoot for a different mark. Life requires a lot of failure to give us the satisfaction of knowing we can overcome life’s obstacles.

As with all you say or do to your children, consider what you are teaching them when you praise them a great deal. Stopping to consider your intention can lead to some serious re-evaluation of when, how and whether you tell your child he’s great or arrange a way for him to discover it himself.

A Quotation Worth Noting

“My goal for my children is that they will be able to recognize their own achievements. I do not want my children held hostage to the approval of others. If their life’s work or their values do not make them popular, I would hope they can stick with them anyhow. When they can persistently labor to accomplish a difficult goal, then I will know we have equipped them for fulfilled lives. Then they can make good choices and not need others’ admiration; they will treat themselves and their bodies with respect because they know that are valuable; they will work quietly and persistently for change because they know hard work pays off, even when they hear no applause.”

—Jan Lebak, a free-lance writer who lives in New Hampshire with her husband and three children

© Copyright 2005, Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT

A Loving Way to Recognize Your Child's Achievements

BY ILENE VAL-ESSEN, PH.D. REPRINTED WITH PERMISSION

Children and teens love praise. Their faces beam when we tell them we're happy they made the bed without wrinkles. We all like to be recognized for a job well done. But there is a far more meaningful way we can recognize our children—a way that goes much deeper—that supports their growth and builds a close and loving relationship. And the end result is that children and teens become more cooperative.

I can best describe what I'm talking about through a true story:

I was on the phone trying to write down directions to an important appointment when my son Derek came running in from school, shouting at the top of his lungs. "Mom! I want to go to John's house!" When I got off the phone, my first thought was to say, "Okay, settle down. I'm very busy now. You can go, but not 'till you finish your chores."

And then something told me I was missing a great opportunity. Derek was happier and more excited than usual. I decided to put aside what I was doing for a few minutes and see what was really going on for him.

As I listened and tried to understand his world, I finally "read between the lines" and realized why he was so delighted by his friend's invitation. Derek was beginning to feel accepted; he was growing in his ability to be social.

Derek glowed when I said, "I'm really excited for you. It feels so good when someone shows they like you."

So often we praise children for things that matter to us: looking neat or pretty, taking out the trash or being on time—things children may care little about. There's nothing wrong with that; everyone likes praise and it does encourage children and teens to do things we want them to do. But there is a much deeper way in which we can recognize them: by noticing what matters to them - and being genuinely enthusiastic for them.

The more I paid attention to Derek's world—really listened—the more I could see what he cared about. "We made up a great game at school," he would say. That seemed trivial to me - until I realized he was delighted at improving in sports—and learning to play better with others.

I learned to genuinely share his enthusiasm: "Doesn't that feel great? You're getting so much better!" The more I learned to do that, the closer we became. Derek felt understood; I was able to share and acknowledge his world. As a result, I noticed that he was more inclined to be cooperative. He felt more willing to do the chores I cared about when there was warmth between us and he felt understood and supported.

We want children to grow and become more responsible; it's our job to be sure they do. But what we often miss is that every child wants to grow - has a strong inner drive to become the best he or she can be. We support that growth when we take time to listen; when we discover where they're growing right now and act as cheerleaders.

Paying attention to the positive things your child or teen truly cares about—and then sharing their enthusiasm—is one of the greatest gifts you can give. It will return to you many times over.

© 1996, From "Parents Can Give Children a Great Gift of Love," by Ilene Val-Essen, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

Ilene Val-Essen, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist in private practice in Southern California. She authored the book for parents, Bring Out The Best—In Your Child And Yourself,* which can be purchased by calling the toll-free number 1-866-LUV KIDS or through Amazon.com. She also created the Quality Parenting— program, attended by parents in the USA, Europe, and Asia.