Do You Insist on Respect From Every Member of Your Family?
BY ARLENE F. HARDER, MA, MFT
Ever notice what happens when we enter our houses and close the front door? We more freely scratch where it itches and slouch when we sit. We know the outside world can’t see us and we give ourselves permission to be comfortable. Off come the more formal clothes and on go the sweats and slippers. Our home is our castle. We’re in charge, darn it, so we’ll behave as we like.
Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to also forget our manners toward one another. We raise our voices higher than we dare when we’re in public. We use derogatory names we wouldn’t think of calling someone else. We tell a child or spouse we want them to do something THIS INSTANT!, a request we would phrase quite differently at work.
Not only do parents too often put down their children in ways they would never treat others, they also allow their children to disrespect one another.
That was what happened with me. My husband and I treated each other kindly, even when we disagreed, but I let my children too often just "be themselves" in their own home, since as a child I did not feel I was allowed to be just plain me. While our children weren't permitted to be truly barbarians toward each other, they were given permission to express their disagreeableness in ways I would not tolerate today. Too often we allowed them to leave their manners on the doorstep when they entered the house.
Unfortunately, when manners are not required within the home, they are often forgotten outside as well. We’ve all been subjected to arguments between children in the store or at a park and hear a child call another child “dumb,” “stupid,” “jerk,” “asshole,” and other names that make you cringe for the child being put down. You know what I’m talking about. It’s not the good-natured “stupid” said with a poke in the ribs and a tone that everyone recognizes is done with affection. It’s character assassination plain and simple.
Would you tolerate others calling you such names in the workplace? No, or at least you shouldn’t. If you are a boss, do you allow your employees to be disrespectful toward others? Not if you can help it. To what extent do you require the same level of respect from everyone in your family toward everyone else who lives there?
Remember, our children learn how to live in the wider world through the experiences they have within the home. When they are taught how to respect and care for others in the nuclear family, they will take that respect and care into the community.
If you need reminding in this area of parenting, one very simple step you can take is to write two notes and put them on both sides of the door you generally use to enter and exit your house. The note could say simply, “In this house we treat our family with the same respect with which we treat others.”
© Copyright 2005, Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT |
