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Do You Tell Your Children, "I Really Mean It?"

BY ARLENE F. HARDER, MA, MFT

Ever notice how often you hear mothers at a park, or, heavens forbid, yourself, saying, “Stop that right now. I mean it.”

Why do parents think they have to add the words, “I mean it?” Do they not really mean it unless they specifically tell the child that they are serious?

I know, those words come from the frustration of wanting the response from your child that you hope to get. It also comes from the assumption that maybe your darling didn’t quite get the message that you were serious when you first asked him to stop and, if you only emphasize how much your request means to you, he will cheerfully and quickly do what you wish.

Baloney. Your kid knew exactly what you meant the first time you asked him to stop IF in fact you meant it and IF he has in the past experienced a quick and firm follow-through when he doesn’t respond in a reasonable time to reasonable requests. He’s just testing you.

I suspect we use the words “I mean it” because we too often wish our child would do as requested without having us take the time and energy-consuming effort it usually takes to reinforce our words with actions.

These days when I overhear a mother in the park saying, “I mean it,” it is almost always the mother who has already asked her child five times to come or to stop and has done nothing about it. Why should a child, playing happily on the swings, do as requested if he keeps getting a reprieve from a consequence of not responding as asked? It’s only when he hears a sharp “I mean it” that he figures he might be in trouble and then, too often for too many parents, he will hear several “I mean it’s” before he’s in trouble. No wonder kids don’t listen.

Of course, this doesn’t means that sometimes you don’t particularly care one way or the other whether your child does what you want, but why not say so at the time? You could say, “I’d like you to come in now, but if you’re not ready yet, that’s okay.” But only say this IF you are serious and truly don’t care.

If you genuinely want your child to do something or to stop doing something, “I mean it” is not nearly as effective as giving yourself the short-term task of always following through. Your kid’s smart. He’ll learn.

© Copyright 2005, Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT

A CHILD'S GUIDE TO MANAGING PARENTS

Today's Lesson: How to Know When She Really Means It

In the Committed comic strip by Michael Fry, a mother is attempting to get her child to stop doing something and the way she goes about it—and how her child responds—is so typical that we laugh, except it isn't funny when you're the parent. The cartoonist offers eleven levels of response to requests of a mother getting increasingly more and more angry. Do you see yourself doing this?

Mother: "What are you doing?"

Level One: No concern. Ignore.

Mother: "I'd really appreciate it if you would cut that out."

Level Two: Minimal concern. Ignore.

Mother: "Would you please stop it!"

Level Three: Some concern. Ignore.

Mother: "I said, please stop it!"

Level Four: Concern. Ignore.

Mother: "Stop it. I said!"

Level Five: More concern. Ignore.

Mother: "Are you listening to me?

Level 6: Some danger. Ignore.

Mother: "Am I talking to myself!?"

Level 7: Dangerous. Ignore.

Mother: "Do you want a TIME OUT?"

Level 8: Very dangerous. Say, "Huh?"

Mother: "DO YOU?"

Level 9: Extremely dangerous. Look at her and say, "Wha—?"

Mother: "THAT'S IT!"

Level 10: She really means it. Scream, "No!" "I'll be good!" "Please!" "C'mon."

Mother: "Well . . . we'll see . . . IF you behave."

Level 11: Danger passed. Ignore.