Do You Know How to Tell Your Child You're Sorry?
I have written a number of articles on both the forgiveness of oneself and the forgiveness of others. Until now I haven't written much about the dynamics of apology, or on asking for forgiveness. What has influenced my desire to write about it now comes out of a painful experience I had in the summer of 2004, when my oldest grandson, Eli, a college student, was killed in an automobile accident.
The driver was a friend, whose life my grandson had twice saved when they were surfing, who had been partying with him for three days, and who fell asleep at the wheel on the long drive home. The young driver felt great distress and much guilt. He didn't know how he could possibly say he was sorry and have it accepted by the family, for he realized a simple apology would seem hollow.
When making arrangements for a memorial service, an acquaintance generously offered her help, since she was in charge of the burial committee at the local temple and could guide the family in making decisions, because they were still in shock and didn't belong to an organized religion. Although neither the young man who caused the accident, nor my grandson, was Jewish, her assistance was beneficial in many ways.
One of the most important experiences I gained from her happened when she introduced me to the "Five Steps of Teshuvah," (teshuvah means repentance or return to one's best self). This is a path toward inner peace after we've done or said something that hurts another person, or persons, and which requires the acceptance of personal responsibility by committing ourselves to change. It comes from an interpretation of the Torah based on the teachings of Rabbi Moses ben Maimonides, a Jewish philosopher, physician and jurist, born in Spain in the twelfth century.
Today the young man whose carelessness killed my grandson has begun to follow these steps that will lead to a return to his better self. Both his family and Eli's family have encouraged his willingness to make amends. Although he cannot bring back my grandson, when he has finished the process, I am sure he will have much greater inner peace and will be able to turn a tragic mistake into a valuable learning experience for him, and for others.
Since I have seen how powerful this process can be, I want to share it with you. If you apply it to your own life, you will be able to show your children how to go beyond merely saying "I'm sorry." If you don't learn how to say I'm sorry, you will deny your children one of the greatest sources of personal growth and relationship-building you can give them.
Let's imagine something that could happen to almost any parent today:
You promise your son you will take him to see a friend who moved away and who will be in town for just one day visiting his grandparents. However, you forget to put it on your calendar and when the day comes, you are off doing something else and your son can't get in touch with you, so he misses out on a terribly important event he had been counting on for many weeks. You feel badly about it, but after all, you're a busy person, it's easy to make a mistake, and you know his friend will come again next year.
If you follow "the Five Steps of Teshuvah," which I have renamed "The Five Steps to a Meaningful Apology," here is what you would do:
1. When you recognize you have done a wrong to someone, admit your mistake to the wronged party or parties without any justifications.
Apologize to your son with a simple statement of the facts. "I'm sorry I forgot your friend was going to be in town. You are justified in being disappointed in me. "Don't include any "add-ons." These are the excuses, reasons, explanations and "but's" that at this point have nothing to do with the fact that you did something wrong. It only matters that you say you are sorry. Including the statement that "I'm such a busy person and I have so many things to do around here" doesn't make any difference. Your son's faith in your willingness to keep your promises has been shattered and he is unlikely to believe you won't forget again in the future, even if you remind me that you're a busy person, as many parents would be tempted to do.
2. Regret what you did or said and ask those who've been hurt what amends they want from you.
This is a hard part of the process. The first part can be fairly easy. But now you have to be willing to turn your apology into action. So you say, "Son, I want to make up to you what I've done wrong. What do you want from me?"
Here I make the assumption that your son will not ask something totally unreasonable from you, and I expect this would be true of almost any offended person. He will recognize that you are genuinely sorry and that you want to be the kind of parent who can correct her mistakes (as you expect him to correct his). So let's say he tells you that he knows you can't take him to his friend's until the friend comes back to visit next year, but he would like you to do his chores for the whole week (or maybe even longer if you have a pattern of failing to keep your promises to him).
3. Do the work that has been asked of you.
You do his chores for a whole week (or longer).
4. Resolve for the future not to do the wrong again.
This will be easy if you genuinely recognize your mistake as serious enough not to repeat it (and if you don't want to do his chores again).
5. Turn back to your truest self when the same opportunity re-occurs.
In this last step, you make the return to your better self by not committing the same "sin" again. I use that term because sin is a Latin word used in archery to indicate how many points off from the center of the target one is. As sin is a missing of the mark; it is a correctable mistake. So if you are determined not to forget the next time you promise your son you'll take him some place, you hopefully will have changed enough internally so that you will recognize the importance of keeping your word.
Sometimes this step involves counseling and personal life-changing choices before others can recognize that you really have completed the apology process. In your case it may mean that you have to cut some things out of your schedule so promises to your family will not get lost in the shuffle.
For an example of how an apology withheld can cause a great deal of inner turmoil, the following is a piece called "A Powerful Forgiveness Technique" from The Shared Heart Foundation website, and is reprinted here with permission. It is written by Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor who counsel, write and teach on relationships, family and healing. Although it doesn't use exactly the same steps I've outlined above, it produces a change within the person apologizing. It is another way of healing when you have hurt another person.
At a recent workshop, Nancy became acutely aware of the pain she had caused her ex-husband, Gregory. She had loved him more as a brother than a husband and, after twelve years of marriage, had fallen in love with another man, finding the depth of love she had hoped for all her life but had given up ever finding. Now eight years into her new marriage, and feeling more fulfilled than ever, she saw that she had never sincerely apologized to Gregory. Instead, his anger and feelings of betrayal had become the dominant theme. After all, she was the one who left him. Nancy had adopted a position of defensiveness, protecting herself from his anger by keeping a safe distance. This tactic, however, kept her in survival mode, kept her from truly letting Gregory go. More important, her defensiveness was keeping her from a deeper peace.
We encouraged Nancy to do something she had never done, to write a letter to Gregory asking his forgiveness for the pain she had caused him, even though she never intended to do so. During a break in the workshop, she wrote the letter and later read it to the group. As part of asking for forgiveness from Gregory, Nancy sincerely apologized for some big mistakes: staying married to him even when she knew she wasn't in love, leaving him abruptly for another man and, perhaps most importantly, not knowing that she deserved to be truly loved on a soul level. It was a heartfelt, humble letter from a person who was sincerely taking responsibility for her part of a painful situation.
The result was immediate. Nancy was glowing with the light of a deeper peace. Although she determined to send the letter the next day, the writing of the letter was her healing gift to herself. It would not matter how Gregory responded, or even if he responded at all, for the process of asking for forgiveness never depends on forgiveness being given by another person. Rather, it is an inner process of resolve and completion through taking responsibility and becoming vulnerable. The letter of forgiveness is one of the most powerful healing techniques we have ever come across.
Why a letter? Why not a phone call or even a meeting in person? A letter is the least invasive or confrontive method. It doesn't put pressure on the recipient to respond or react in the moment. It allows time for reflection.
Everyone we have ever met has hurt someone, whether intentionally or not, at some time during their life. One man at a workshop remembered how he taunted and bullied another child in grade school. A woman realized for the first time the pain she caused her mother during her teen years. An older man saw his part in the estrangement with his son many years previous. Another man understood the pain of rejection he had caused by letting go of an employee. All these people benefited greatly by writing letters asking for forgiveness.
Can you think of someone you have hurt, even if they have also hurt you? Would you like to take another step along your path of growth? If so, here are some guidelines for writing a letter asking for forgiveness:
1. Take responsibility for your part, how you hurt the other person, rather than give any attention to how they hurt you. In fact, if you haven't expressed your own hurt, this may need to be the first letter. However, for healing to be complete, you eventually need to take full responsibility for your own actions, or even thoughts.
2. Be vulnerable. Reveal your own sadness or remorse for causing them pain.
3. Let them know you are not asking them to respond in any way. You are doing this for yourself, not to get forgiven by them. If they write back, it needs to clearly be their own choice.
4. If you can, include some appreciation for this person. Look at who they are rather than the painful interaction with you.
5. Write the letter with the choice of not sending it. Asking for forgiveness is, after all, a very personal and inner process.
6. Share the letter with someone you trust, and get their feedback.
7. If it feels right, send the letter.
As I'm sure you can see, knowing how to say "I'm sorry" not only benefits your children, but it will also give you peace of mind.
SIDEBAR TO ABOVE ARTICLE:
A Father's Apology to His Son: Better Late Than Never
NOTE: This following article by Joyce and Barry Vissell is from the The Shared Heart Foundation website and is reprinted with permission. It demonstrates that even when an apology comes long after it should have been delivered, it is welcome and has a healing quality much needed in today's world.
Hal, a participant in one of our workshops, felt moved to write the following letter to his now 24-year-old son, who he had not seen in over a year.
Dear Brian,
I need to apologize to you for some big mistakes I made in my fathering. I hope this allows us to feel closer to one another. My greatest hope would be for you to forgive me.
Although we have never talked about it, there were maybe half a dozen times in your childhood when I struck you in anger. One of those times stands out sharply in my memory, and I imagine in yours as well. I think you were about eight. I came home from a job that I hated, more frustrated than usual. You were throwing a ball in your room, which I had previously told you not to do. I heard the crash of broken glass and ran into your room to see you had just broken your window. I lost it and started hitting you, even several times in the face. I think it was the worst as well as the last time I have ever beaten you. Afterwards you were crying and I felt terrible, but I never let you know my remorse or apologized for my cruel actions.
I want you to know how sad I feel for every time I hurt you, but especially for that one particular evening. It weighed heavily on my heart for many months, and over the years it has caused me much grief. I have often judged myself a bad father because of that episode alone.
I want you to know it was never your fault when I hit you. No child deserves to be hit by a parent or anyone else. I was needing to let you know how upset I felt in each situation. I was needing to express my anger, my disappointment with words rather than my hands. But I had never learned this from my own father. What I did to you I learned from him. It's terrible how abuse can get passed down from generation to generation. My greatest hope is that this terrible legacy stops with you.
Although I believe I never hit you again after that night, it has taken me till now (with help) to understand that it is never too late to apologize and ask for your forgiveness. I am so very sorry for taking out my own frustrations on you. It was clearly wrong for me to ever hit you. I need your forgiveness, and also understand you might need time to forgive me. Someday you may be a father. If that comes to pass, I think you will be a better father than I was to you. I sincerely hope my apology helps. I love you.
Dad
Writing this letter helped relieve Hal of a burden he had been carrying for years. But there's more. Two months later he received the following reply, showing what is possible through asking for forgiveness.
Dad,
Thanks for your letter. I have to admit it came as a total surprise, even a shock. I've been busy with my life, so I haven't thought about the "beatings" for a long time. Those memories were difficult. When I first read your letter I couldn't get past the bad feelings it brought up. I actually had to put it down for a few days. But when I picked it up again and read it more carefully, I got what it was all about. Wow. Thank you for apologizing. I guess better late than never.
Yeah, I can begin to forgive you now. It helps a lot to know how bad you felt. I only wish I would have known that sooner. All these years I've felt it was all my fault, that I deserved to be punished. From your letter I can understand that, of course, I never deserved to be hit, not by you or anyone. It's probably going to take me some time to let all of this sink in. It's kind of like having a new dad.
I love you too, dad. Thanks for writing.
Brian