Affirmations to Help Your Child Learn About STRUCTURE and SKILL

BY ARLENE F. HARDER, MA, MFT

"Flatter me and I may not believe you. Criticize me and I may not like you. Ignore me and I may not forgive you. Encourage me and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you."

— William Arthur Ward

The tasks for children in this developmental stage relate primarily to the power of being skillful and include learning to do things their own way, to explore the importance of rules, to continue separating reality from fantasy, and to test rules within a firm and loving environment. Also, children need caregivers who can explain their own values, listen, meet their needs, and make clear which family values and rules are not negotiable, while also allowing disagreements to help them practice adult thinking.

Affirmations needed by all children from six to thirteen years of age—and by everyone else as well:

We encourage you to develop your own special talents.

You can be responsible for your choices and learn from your mistakes.

You can learn how to follow the rules that help you live well with others.

We encourage your learning about the world and your place in it.

You can discover how to manage both challenges and frustration.

We love you even when we disagree.

What Was Your Experience When You Were This Age?

There is no question but that we teach what we know. When we were given encouragement to recognize the importance of rules, to make appropriate choices, and to develop our unique skills, we will do the same for our children.

As I note in Do You Know Who You Are and What You Want From Life?, questions can help us uncover some of our strengths and identify what we would like to do differently. Here then, are a few questions to help you see whether what you learned as a child may help — or hinder — your ability to guide your child through this stage.

How did your parents encourage you to develop your own skills and talents? Did it work? How?

Was there something your parents did to encourage you that didn't work? Why?

Did you grow up with a lot of structure and regulations in your home because your parents believed you should follow their rules without question? What was the value in this approach and what were the problems?

Did you find it easier to follow rules on the playground or at home than to object to them, or did you rebel? If you rebelled, did you do it because you didn't understand the importance of rules, or because you wanted to be the one who made up the rules?

Were the rules under which your family operated consistent with what they said their values were?

Do you tend to make choices deliberately and work out all the possibilities, or do you spend little time thinking about the consequences of your choices and simply assume things will work out? How does your approach to decision-making affect your parenting?