Some Children Are Gender Nonconformists
Most parents agree with psychologists that being rigidly masculine or rigidly feminine is not the best way for someone to be. We want our children, regardless of whether they are girls or boys, to be assertive AND gentle, intuitive AND analytic. Nevertheless, many parents are concerned when their child engages in what is still considered "cross-gender" behavior. A father worries about his son wanting a Barbie doll for his birthday. A mother is troubled because her daughter refuses to wear dresses and says she wants to be a boy. How serious is any of this? What does it mean?
Most psychologists believe that all of us are born with a tendency toward certain temperaments. A temperament is a characteristic way of reacting to what goes on around us. Temperaments determine—to some extent—which things in our environment we are attracted to and which things we dislike. From the very beginning, some babies seem to be innately sensitive to and interested in people. They make eye contact easily and respond to a smile with a smile. Other babies are more drawn to visual objects or sounds. Their eyes are glued to the overhanging musical mobile. It is important to understand that there is enormous variability in temperament among people.
Parents sometimes think of temperaments as being strictly gender related, and gear child-rearing toward fostering very different expectations for girls and boys. A problem arises if parents believe that certain temperamental styles are inherently masculine or feminine and they have a child whose behavior does not reflect what they think of as a gender appropriate temperament. This can aggravate the situation. For example, if a parent says to a boy who paints his nails pink, "What do you think you are—a girl?" the child might mistakenly conclude that if he wants to do "girl things" then he has to be a girl. He might then begin to talk about wishing he were a girl or "really" being a girl. This is an idea inadvertently implanted by his parents.
Many girls enjoy the noise and chaos of "rough and tumble" play. If a girl likes to be physically active and enjoys rough games, parents may see her as "unfeminine," when the issue is really that she has a temperament that responds to high levels of stimulation in the environment. She does not, at least initially, experience this as a "gender problem."
The confusion of temperament and gender role expectations is particularly problematic for boys. Boys are given much more negative feedback when they engage in gender nonconforming play than girls who do the same—at least until adolescence. "Sissy" is a much more feared label than "tomboy. Because "masculine" has more prestige in our society than "feminine," a boy's (or man's) rejection of masculinity (especially aspects related to sexuality) in favor of the lower status femininity is extremely stigmatized.
Psychologists have a diagnostic category called "Gender Identity Disorder" (abbreviated as G.I.D.) Some children who are gender nonconformists are diagnosed with G.I.D. It is important to understand what psychologists mean by a disorder and consider whether children who are gender nonconformists should be diagnosed with G.I.D.
In order for a behavioral pattern to be identified by a psychologist as a "disorder" the person must feel distress as well as experience the behavior as interfering with their lives. There is nothing intrinsically disordered in being, for example, a girl with short hair who idolizes male superheroes. The distress may very well be a result of parental censure and the social ostracism of family members and peers. Therefore, unlike most psychiatric disorders, Gender Identity Disorder is often as much a diagnosis of parents' response to a child as it is to the child's behavior itself.
Preschool children with atypical play and playmate preferences become distressed only when they are told that their preferences are unacceptable. This distress increases with age as the child begins to participate in the broader social context of school and develop a wider network of friends. At that point, their behavior bothers other people more. Their peers are at a level of cognitive development where it is difficult to tolerate "exceptions" to the rule, and teachers may be concerned if this causes disruption in the classroom. If parents are comfortable about their child's gender nonconformity, the child of any age will be less likely to experience distress.
Although gender nonconformity is most often an expression of underlying temperament, there are children for whom gender nonconformity is symptomatic of an underlying psychological disorder. At what point should parents be concerned about whether their child's gender nonconformity is serious enough to seek professional help? There are a few things to be on the alert for:
Be concerned if your child's play behavior is compulsive and inflexible. It is one thing for a child (boy or girl) to want to play with Barbie dolls or dress up in adult women's clothing. It is another if that is all the child wants to do or if the child plays in a highly repetitive and overly stereotyped way. That is often a red flag that the child is anxious. One sign that a behavior is compulsive and motivated by anxiety is that, the child will experience a level of distress and anxiety that seems out of proportion to the situation if not permitted to engage in the behavior.
In rare cases children who are gender nonconformists and very unhappy will talk about wishing that their bodies, especially their genitals, were different. Be concerned if your child tries to, or even just talks about, mutilating his or her body. In that case seek professional guidance.
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Suggestions for Parents of Gender Nonconforming Children
Don't make your child feel bad about his/her temperamental style and interests. Accept that these might be different from yours. Don't make your child feel ashamed of his/her choices. Ask yourself: Whom is the child's behavior harming? Why am I so bothered or embarrassed by my child?
Be cautious about turning your child's temperamental style into a sickness. Families who live in major urban areas, in particular, may encounter pediatricians who want to refer the gender nonconformist child to a gender clinic. If your child is unhappy (depressed or anxious) take your child to see a child psychologist who specializes in childhood depression or anxiety.
Don't blame anyone. Chances are, your child's nonconforming preferences are unrelated to any specific things you have done.
If there's a mismatch between a parent and child's temperament, acknowledge it to yourself and to the child. Try and reach a compromise in terms of shared activities. A boy who isn't interested in playing football might be interested in being taken to a football game by his father. There might be features of the event --- game strategy, half-time performance, etc. that could appeal to him. A girl who doesn't like shopping for dresses might enjoy shopping with her mother for clothing that she does like.
If your child is being teased at school, speak to his or her teachers and let them know that you do not see the child's gender nonconformity as wrong or a problem. Enlist the teachers' support in teaching the other children to understand diversity of interests. This might not be easy, but it is your responsibility as a parent to help others respect your child.
Discuss with your child the fact that unusual behavior may be unfairly criticized and provide strategies for him or her to resist teasing.
Model desirable behavior. By accepting your child as who he or she is, you will be modeling respect for personal choices.
Relax and love your child. Children thrive when they have strong and nurturant relationships with their parents. Remember you want your child to become a caring, productive, healthy and happy human being. Focusing on raising a masculine son or a feminine daughter can sometimes interfere with that goal.