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Parenting Strategy 6:
Discipline as Consistently as Possible
BY ARLENE F. HARDER, MA, MFT
NOTE: Four of my first six strategies for confident and practical parenting are central to discipline problems parents often have with their children:
 Listen, talk and guide with love: Communication that works
Distinguish between your child’s needs and wants
Teach responsibility and respect
Discipline as consistently as possible
Notice that discipline comes last, since it is much easier after the other strategies have been put in place.
"Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?"
—Jane Nelson
Consistency in discipline was not my long suit and that got me into a lot of trouble when I was raising my children. In Letting Go of Our Adult Children: When What We Do is Never Enough I described it this way:
“Discovering an effective method of discipline took longer than the time I had to raise our children. Today I know what would have worked. Then I didn't. All I knew was that I didn't want to use spanking or because-l-told-you-so rules, as my parents had done. To find an approach that was more gentle, but firm, I tried every method offered by parenting magazines and swung from one to the other like a pendulum.
“First I would be too permissive and our children could easily manipulate me. For example, since I resented it when as a child my father wouldn't explain the reasons for his rules, I decided to explain things to my children. The result was that it sometimes required forty-five minutes to discuss with a child why he or she had to do a five minute task! When it was clear that our children needed more direction and control, I made lots of rules and backed them up with what I considered "consequences" (our children called them "punishments"). Whatever they were called, my follow-through was often poor. And when my stricter approach didn't work well, I reverted back to a more permissive style. Inconsistency was my most outstanding and self-defeating trait. Our children learned to tolerate any kind of discipline because they knew it would change when I tried something else.”
My kids were in grade school when I attended a parenting class, but I couldn't seem to get those techniques to work for me for several reasons, but I think the main reason was that I hadn’t realized, as I do today, that the first most important trait of parenting is self-understanding.
Had I gone into therapy sooner, I could have gotten a greater handle on my perfectionism, which I believe was a major cause of my ineffective parenting. I wanted to get my "good parent medal" and looked for experts who could tell me whether I was doing my job the “right” way.
In any case, there are thousands of books and theories on discipline. In fact, in the fall of 2005 I hope to have several of my own e-books on discipline and related topics. However, I want to emphasize that you need to find the discipline technique that fits most comfortably with your temperament and the goals you want for your child. To understand how your personality and family history is reflected in your parenting style and how to be clear about your parenting goals, see Have a Plan and Know Yourself.
For this article I want to offer a few thoughts on what I believe is the core of good, effective discipline.
Decide Where You Want to Draw the Line
A family came to a large park for a picnic and a small boy saw a horse, tied to a fence, that he wanted to view closer. His father was concerned for his safety and sternly warned him, “Yes, you can look, but you must not to get too close.” The boy moved slowly toward the horse and, from his perspective, he wasn’t too close. His father, however, could see that the horse might have moved back and kicked his son, so he punished the child by making him sit on a bench for ten minutes. “I told you not to get too close,” he said.
The consequence of disobeying would have been much clearer for the boy to understand if the father had said, “You can get closer to see the horse, but do you notice those two trees there on this side of the fence? Well, you have to stay behind the line where those two trees are.”
I tell this story because it relates to the importance of setting goals and deciding what your comfort level is regarding different issues. You need to know your “bottom line,” the line that clearly separates acceptable and unacceptable behavior. If your child knows where that line is, and what will happen if it is crossed, he will be much happier not having to constantly guess whether or not he’s allowed to take one action rather than another. Even more, in this time of spoiled children, he won’t suffer from the illusion that he is the center of the universe and able to decide where to draw the line for his behavior all by himself, especially when his actions might be dangerous or negatively impact others.
Most of all, I believe it is important for you, the parent, to realize that you are the parent. You’re not your child’s pal. This doesn’t mean you can’t have loads of fun with her, but you know more about the dangers of the world than your child does. You know the importance of developing good work habits. Nevertheless, what so often happens when trying to set limits is that you want your children to be happy. Who doesn’t? But their tears, wails, whines, complaining, nagging and pleadings tug at your heart because you know you are the one who is causing them discomfort. So it’s very tempting to let the line slide just a little.
Now, I realize that some lines are more important than others. If you have a “rule” that only two books will be read before bedtime and your child begs for “just one more book, p-l-e-a-s-e,” allowing one more story is not a great parenting crime. However, make certain you don’t keep adding “just one more” and “just one more” until it’s way past bedtime and you’ve taught your child that begging pays off. If that happens, you could reframe the situation and say that you’re teaching her persistence, but I doubt that’s how you want to encourage that trait.
The more you move the line, the more battles and discontent you’ll have in the future.
Decide What Happens When Your Child Steps Over the Line
There is often a debate between child rearing experts on whether parents should use the term “consequence” rather than “punishment.” It is implied that the latter term harms children and prevents them from recognizing the cause-and-effect relationship between what they do and what happens as a result.
I’m not so sure it is that cut and dried. When I was a child and punishment was doled my way, I was clear that I had caused the “punishment” to come down on my head. Where it created a problem was in the way it was applied. I would get more punishment (often spanking) than I really needed in order to learn my lesson not to do something again. Had I felt I was well loved and okay even if I once-in-awhile did something wrong, the strict discipline I experienced would not have been a problem in the end run. At least it was consistent and I wasn’t confused as to what my parents expected.
Today I use the term “consequences” to mean a technique whereby the parent shows a child that there is a cause-and-effect relationship between stepping over the line and remaining on this side of it. If your child forgot to clean her room, was too busy watching TV to finish her homework, or, in a moment of anger, deliberately broke something, you want to provide her some way to reinforce your family rules and values. What’s the best way? Use logical and natural consequences, but also be sure to let your child know you love her deeply and have her best interests at heart.
When your son’s favorite toy car is left out in the rain, it may get ruined. If you replace it, because you know he spent many hours playing with it, he'll lose the opportunity to learn the relationship between cause and effect. You want him to know that he needs to take care of his things or he won’t have them. Unfortunately, even if you don’t replace the car, these days children have much more "stuff" than children had in the past. Consequently, often there isn’t a lot of pain in losing something. A little disappointment, a few tears, and they’re on to the next thing — and as the old adage says, no pain, no gain.
As I observe the struggles of parents today, I’m amazed there are major skirmishes over routine chores and courteous behavior. Bedtime and bath routines should not be constant battles. How exhausting to feel you have to discuss them every day! Save your battles for the really big things.
If you’ve ever been in a home where there isn’t an argument around whether a child sets the table when it’s her turn, or goes to bed at a certain time, or puts her dirty dishes in the dishwasher, etc., you’ll know you’re in a home where the children don’t control how the family is run. What you’ll probably notice is that the children have a say in lots of things that are important to them, and are probably even encouraged to negotiate clearly and logically for what they want. They aren’t good all the time and they make mistakes, as all children do. But their parents don’t believe their self-esteem is ruined forever because they aren’t allowed to make family life into a battle of wills.
I speak from hard experience in saying consistency in discipline is a parenting skill well worth the effort. Except for needing to find the courage of your convictions—and the recognition that you’re the grown-up here—it isn’t that difficult once you set your mind to it. In the sidebar, I’ve given some suggestions for rules you may want to choose for yourself in order to make your job easier.
© Copyright 2005, Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT
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