Parenting Strategy 4:

Distinguish Between Your Children's Needs and Wants

BY ARLENE F. HARDER, MA, MFT

In an consumer-driven society, there is little differentiation between what we truly need to be comfortable, healthy and safe and what we believe we need to be comfortable, healthy and safe. Unable to make that distinction — coupled with a desire to do the best for their children — parents can easily overindulge their child.

However, when parents give in to the "gimmies," the result is a generation of young people who very often have a variety of problems. For one thing, they tend to see themselves as consumers, rather than citizens of the world. They have a sense of entitlement not only to material possessions, but to having the “best” of everything. They define their worth (and the worth of others) in terms of what they own or what they are like to be able to have.

The reasons parents distort the relationship between their child's needs and his wants vary from parent to parent, but here are some attitudes that cause children to be overindulged:

My child needs lots of the latest things to be successful in school

Lots of toys help my child be creative

I can’t stand my child’s tears and tantrums, especially when we’re out

My child is bored if he doesn’t have toys and games to play with

I waited a long time to have a child and I have the right to spoil her if I want.

I have to work long hours and don’t have much time to spend with my child, so by giving him things, he will know that I care about him.

I want my children to fit in with their friends.

I’m divorced and my former spouse can afford to buy things and I don’t want to seem like a cheapskate by comparison.

© Copyright 2005, Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT

Quotations Worth Considering

“America is a consumer culture, and when we change what we buy—and how we buy it—we’ll change who we are.”

— Faith Popcorn, The Popcorn Report, 1991

“The words ‘spoiling’ and ‘overindulgence’ are not interchangeable. ‘Spoiled’ is a word usually used to describe a child whose behaviors are annoying to adults. He demands what he wants right now. She interrupts. He gets away with things. However, a child can be overindulged and not act demanding, ungracious, and self-centered, especially if the parental message is I’ll do this for you if you make me look like a good parent. Those children can be charming and well-mannered. Also, by reason of personality types, neurology, or early history, a child who is acting ‘spoiled’ may have parents who are not overindulging but are doing everything they can to correct those irritating behaviors.

“Overindulging children is giving them too much of anything that looks good, but hinders them from doing their developmental tasks, and from learning necessary life lessons. Overindulging adults is giving them too much of anything that looks good, but supports their excessive sense of entitlement or lack of competence, responsibility, or initiative.”

— How Much is Enough? by David Walsh, et al.