Parenting Strategy 3:

Listen, Talk and Guide With Love: Communication that Works

BY ARLENE F. HARDER, MA, MFT

We too often assume that because we love our child our child will feel out love automatically. But it is especially important for parents to communicate their love.

If you listen from your heart, you will hear what your child needs you to know. If you talk from your heart, your child will hear what you say. If you guide from your heart, your child will be more likely to respond as you want him to.

With love as the heart of communication, here are the best techniques I know for parents to use with their children (and with everyone one else as well).

Build Your Communication Around the Golden Rule

Do and say to your children (and to your partner) as you would want them to do and say to you — and refrain from saying and doing to them what you don't want them to do and say to you.

Listen More

In the busy-ness of daily life, you may feel pressured to use one-on-one time to tell your children what you want them to know, rather than to listen to what they have to say. But as the poem on the right indicates, by listening to them, they will be far more likely to actually listen to you.

Talk Less

Do your children really absorb much from all your lectures? Probably not. Try talking less and notice what happens.

Use Only One Reason

Children love to force you into giving them more than one reason why they can't do something. One reason, if it's really good enough, should be sufficient.

Negotiate Within Clearly Defined Rules

Some children love to debate every difference of opinion. If done within reasonable limits, negotiation can be a good experience for developing skills that will be useful when your child becomes an adult.

Use Feelings to Expand Vocabulary

Often children lump all feelings into one word, like “I hate him.” Help your child discover other ways to express her emotions so she can recognize the important differences between them.

Don’t Allow Back-Talk

Whether your child uses insolence in an attempt to dominate parents, teachers, siblings and friends, or just to get attention, if you don't stop disrespect and put-downs, you will have a long battle on your hands.

© Copyright 2005, Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT

A Poem Worth Considering

"Take a moment to listen today

To what your children are trying to say

Listen today, whatever you do,

Or they won't be there to listen to you.

Listen to their problems, listen to their needs;

Raise their smallest triumphs, praise their smallest deeds.

Tolerate their chatter, amplify their laughter.

Find out what's the matter, find out what they're after—

But tell them that you love them, every single night.

And though you scold them, be sure you hold them tight:

Tell them, "Everything's all right—

Tomorrow's looking bright."

Take a moment to listen today

To what your children are trying to say.

Listen today, whatever you do,

And they will come back to listen to you."

—Anonymous