Strategies for Raising Resourceful, Resilient and Compassionate Children
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
—Franklin P. Johnes
As I write in A Philosophy of Parenting Gained from Long Experience, it took me many years to know what made a good parent. Part of my learning certainly came from many mistakes I made when raising four children.
Then, too, there was learning from reading piles of books in graduate school, from discussing theories with colleagues, from working with clients, from noticing what is happening to kids in schools today, and, finally, from watching my grandchildren.
From all this I believe I've distilled some wisdom that is consistent with information other "experts" hand out to parents. However, in no way do I pretend to be THE expert and there is always something new to learn, no matter what your age or the age of your child. In fact, I suggest you consider carefully a statement of Steven D. Levitt and Stephen L. Dubner in the chapter on "What Makes a Perfect Parent" in their excellent book on Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything:
"The typical parenting expert, like experts in other fields, is prone to sound exceedingly sure of himself. An expert doesn't so much argue the various sides of an issue as plant his flag firmly on one side. That's because an expert whose argument reeks of restraint or nuance often doesn't get much attention. An expert must be bold if he hopes to alchemize his homespun theory into conventional wisdom. His best chance of doing so is to engage the public's emotions, for emotion is the enemy of rational argument. And as emotions go, one of them—fear—is more potent than the rest. The superpredator, Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, mad-cow disease, crib death: how can we fail to heed the expert's advice on these horrors when, like that mean uncle telling too-scary stories to too-young children, he has reduced us to quivers?
"No one is more susceptible to an expert's fearmongering than a parent. Fear is in fact a major component of the act of parenting. A parent, after all, is the steward of another creature's life, a creature who in the beginning is more helpless than the newborn of nearly any other species. This leads a lot of parents to spend a lot of their parenting energy simply being scared."
I don't want you to be afraid. I want you to find confidence in your own ability to figure out what works best for you. After all, you're closest to your situation. So read the strategies listed on the right and then add what works best for you. Do this and I believe you'll be well on your way to playing The Parenting Game effectively, even if you start playing the game in earnest later than you would have wished.
Incidentally, you will notice that I don't write about discipline, one of the problems parents often have with their children, until the sixth strategy. This is because discipline is much easier after you've laid the groundwork with other strategies.
SIDEBAR TO ABOVE ARTICLE:
INDEX
1. Have a plan and know yourself
2. Maintain good relations with your child's other parent
3. Listen, talk and guide with love: Communication that works
4. Distinguish between your child's wants and needs
5. Teach responsibility and respect
6. Discipline as consistently as possible
7. Manage your emotions even when you're upset
8. Live your values, express your highest qualities
9. Create space for joy, humor and spirit
10. Instill in your child a love of learning