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A Philosophy of Parenting Gained from Long Experience
BY ARLENE F. HARDER, MA, MFT
"Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting their eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted."
—Garrison Keillor
My philosophy of parenting has evolved from much hard work and hard-earned lessons over many long years as a parent, grandparent, therapist, co-founder of non-profit organizations, and creator and designer of websites devoted to personal growth. In the Childhood Affirmations Program you can discover the core of what I've learned by reading Twelve Strategies for Confident and Practical Parenting, the articles on Creating a Strong Family, and Stage 7—Integrating All of Life's Lesson.
Everything I write is based on my experience and philosophy of parenting, which can be described with four basic concepts.
1. Confidence in parenting arises from having a strong self-image and a deep self-understanding
Today’s research in neuroscience demonstrate that the traits that seem especially important in effective parenting are those that allow parents to understand and connect meaningfully to their children. Where do we learn those traits? From our parents. When we were little children, we watched our parents and from that experience, day by day, we built a model for parenting that we would use later in raising our own children.
However, just as parents pass on positive skills and values, sometimes parents fail to teach what they didn’t learn in their own growing up and were unable to learn after they became parents. For example, parents who do not know how to manage their emotions are likely to raise children who don’t know how to calm down when angry and who, in turn, have children who have trouble with anger. Another example of this “multi-generational transmission process” is the cycle of broken homes, alcoholism, and abuse. Children born into these perpetuating family systems have enormous challenges to overcome.
If parents haven’t heard words of encouragement when they, themselves, were growing up, they may not know the importance of positive affirmations relative to different stages of their child’s growth. Fortunately, it’s never too late for any of us to learn positive affirmations for ourselves so we can be the best we can be — and also to use these words of support to meet the challenge of raising children in a changing world. (See Parenting Strategy 1: Understand Yourself and Be Here Now.)
2. Children need words of encouragement to become resourceful, resilient and compassionate adults
From the beginning of life, babies absorb and store into the very structure of their cells the positive energy of smiles, hugs and gentle touch. Later, as understanding of language develops, parents and other caregivers offer words of encouragement as children progress from one stage of growth to another. Each stage requires different words in order for them to achieve one set of skills and move on to the next.
Thus, children’s self-confidence is built not only with hugs and shared laughter, but with affirmations that teach them how to stand up for themselves, manage their emotions, live according to their highest values, and move from dependence to independence and then to interdependence.
3. Strong families create strong communities
It is within the nuclear family that we practice communication and connection and learn to become a member of the global human family.
Thus, when children learn within strong and functional families that they are of equal value to others, they have the confidence to treat others as they have been treated. When children learn within their families to resolve their problems through communication and negotiation—and learn how to discuss complex current events with openness and a willingness to learn from one another—this core unit of society can be the vehicle for increasing tolerance and understanding in the wider world.
4. The future of the world depends on the effort we put into raising our children today
Every newscast and newspaper describes an unstable world that is far from peaceful. However, if we—as parents, step-parents, grandparents, neighbors, educators, and caregivers—all make a strong commitment to being the best we can be, we can help our children be the best they can be. The more people focus on raising resourceful, resilient and compassionate children, the better chance we will have of creating a safer, kinder, and more stable world. And the more effective we are in our efforts, the better chance our children will have of improving the world for their children.
© 2005, Childhood Affirmations Program, Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT
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