Parent-Child Reunification and Reintegration into a Stronger Family Unit
Has your relationship with your child been strained by loyalty issues related to your divorce?
Has your relationship with your child been influenced by parental alienation syndrome?
Have you and your children endured a lengthy and bitter custody battle?
Has your relationship with your child been interrupted because of geographical distancing?
Do you want to establish a relationship with your child whom you never knew?
If you answered "YES" to any of the above, read on!!
The Problem
The bond children have with their parents is essential to their development, their self concept and their self esteem. It provides children with the framework for how their view themselves and the world around them. More importantly, it sets the blueprint for how they form relationships with others. The importance of this bond cannot be over stated or under estimated.
Sometimes events or situations occur and result in this important bond not being formed or disrupted or broken.
Some of these circumstances include but are limited to:
A child may not have established a relationship with their biological or birth parent because of adoption or separation from that parent at birth because of geographic distancing and/or because the relationship between the child's parents broke down. Some times a parent chooses to not establish a relationship with the child because he/she feels at the time, it is not in the child's best interest to do so. Often times, a father is not even aware of his child's existence and as a consequence, he never had an opportunity to form a relationship with the child.
A parent's physical and mental illness or events that alter a parents' ability to function and relate to his/her child at times might have a significant impact on a relationship with his/her children. Some illnesses or medical/psychiatric conditions such as stroke, depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, drug and alcohol addictions or brain injuries, may result in impairments in the affected parent so great that it might be difficult for a child to continue his/her relationship as it once was.
A divorce and its fallout often leads to disruption in children's lives. During this time, children might become hostile toward one or both parents. Most often this disruption is brief and resolves in itself within the first year post separation. However, there are times when it is difficult to sustain a relationship that once particularly when a custodial parent relocates.
The most serious consequence of divorce is when one parent deliberately attempts to distance their child or children from the other parent. It is even more painful and devastating to the children and the affected parent when the children engage in the alienating process. Without intervention, preferably swiftly, the chances of re-establishing the important parent-child bond and repairing the relationship becomes increasingly difficult as time goes on.
What Can You Do?
Needless to say, re-establishing a relationship and/or repairing a damaged or disrupted relationship requires the participation of parent and child. There are no guarantees that your efforts will be successful, but what is certain is that if no effort is made, the chance of realizing any improvement is remote.
There are a number of things parents can do or not do. Some of them are:
DO keep the lines of communication open through phone calls, emails, cards, postcards & letters. Always let your child know that you are thinking about them by remembering birthdays and other special events. Maintain an interest in what they are doing. Email is an excellent way of communicating and re-establishing relationships.
If calls are not accepted, DO continue to communicate in the other ways listed
If you have reason to believe that your letters, cards or even emails are being intercepted and not reaching your child, DO consider sending a letter by special delivery and spending an extra dollar to receive a signed receipt by mail. You will then know that your letter did arrive and who signed for it.
DO NOT deluge your child with calls. Respect the child's need for distance but balance it with appropriate concern and attention.
Remember above all, that if your messages are being received, they will make a difference to your child.
© Rena Sommer, PhD. Reprinted with permission.
Dr. Sommer provides therapeutic consults to indiviudals, couples and families and manages a multidisciplinary group of family life professionals. She also consults with lawyers and clients on issues relating to divorce, custody and access, parental alienation syndrome and domestic abuse.
Dr. Reena Sommer is guided by the belief that children should not be denied a relationship with their parents simply because their moms and dads decide to divorce. She views her role as a family life consultant to help men and women develop effective parenting plans that make it possible for them to maintain a positive connection with their children.
Dr. Sommer has written extensively on issues relating to violence in the family, addictions & codependency and is the author of books and e-courses, including: Children's Adjustment to Divorce, Parenting Plan: Learn How to Draft a Plan for Your Child's Future, and Anatomy of an Affair.
To find out more about Dr. Sommer, please visit Renna Sommer Associates or email her at rsommer@shaw.ca.
SIDEBAR TO ABOVE ARTICLE:
Preventing Parenting Problems During Divorce
If you're going through a divorce, you may wish you could, as Judith Wallerstein, an expert on the subject, says, "lie down and pull the covers over your head." However, she reminds parents that it's "not possible," as you have already discovered.
Nevertheless, you don't need to get out of bed and struggle through the divorce process without help. There is lots of help out there and here are a few good books to get you started.
Talking to Your Children About Separation and Divorce: A Handbook for Parents
By Risa J. Garon, Children of Separation and Divorce Center, Inc.
What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce
By Judith S. Walltersteing, Sandra Blakeslee
Making Divorce Easier on Your Child: 50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjust
Nichola Long, Rex L. Forehand
The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive
By Robert E. Emery, Ph.D.
The Worried Child: Recognizing Anxiety in Children and Helping Them Heal
Paul Foxman, Ph.D.