Developing a Successful Joint Custody Arrangement

BY REENA SOMMER, PH.D.

You've finally got your divorce decree and you feel you can now breathe a big sigh of relief. You may even be thinking, "no more divorce attorneys, no more divorce negotiations and no more custody battles!!—I can finally get on with my life without my ex."

For the most part, you are right—your professional relationship with your divorce attorney is over, and you are now in a better position to make decisions about your future. However, here is the rub! As a parent in a joint custody arrangement, your relationship with your ex-spouse will continue as long as your children are part of both of your lives.

This reality check often comes as a huge shock to parents who are newly divorced. After all, the reason they chose to end their marriage was because they didn't get along and wanted to get away from each other. What now! Well, there is life after divorce, even for a joint custodial parent. The challenge for couples is to redefine their relationships and to develop cooperative co-parenting plans based on their shared concerns for their children.

In redefining a relationship, former spouses need to make some important shifts in thinking and feeling. An area of difficulty for many couples is making the shift from being emotionally married to being emotionally divorced; moving from a relationship based on intimacy to one that is more businesslike in nature. The major problems lie in the area of personal boundaries. People make the mistake of feeling that they still have the same call on each other as they did while married. For example, an ex wife may feel she is still entitled to know with whom her ex husband spends his time or how he spends his money. Likewise, an ex husband may feel he can still comment on how his ex wife parks the car or wears her hair. Once divorced, these issues should be of no concern to either ex partner. In essence, they are simply "none of each other's business". When couples make this shift in thinking and feeling, the old buttons that could be pushed, no longer work. The emotional divorce is then complete.

In developing an effective and cooperative co-parenting plan, the following should be considered:

Each parent must recognize the other parent as being competent to care for the children and to have their best interests in mind

Each parent must be willing to give the other parent full authority to care for the children while they are in his/her care

Each parent must recognize that any criticism of the other parent made in the presence of the children is destructive and detrimental to their well-being

Each parent must be willing and able to put their personal feelings aside when communicating with the other regarding the children

Each parent must put their children's need for love, safety and security above their own needs.

When people are able to meet these challenges, they will experience the following benefits of being a joint custodial parent:

Having the peace of mind that their children are being cared for by someone who loves them and will place their interests above all

Having the time to devote to one's own personal interests without being concerned about the well-being of the children

Knowing that there is someone to share problems and concerns that may arise regarding the children

A joint custody arrangement can transform a once flawed relationship into a productive parenting effort where neither person feels that he or she is a "single" parent.

© Dr Reena Sommer, PhD Reprinted with permission.

Dr. Reena Sommer is a divorce and relationships coach specializing in the field of domestic abuse, addictions and codependency and has written extensively in this area. She is guided by the belief that children should not be denied a relationship with their parents simply because their moms and dads decide to divorce.

In her practice as a family life consultant she manages a multidisciplinary group of family life professionals and is the author of several books and e-courses, including: Children's Adjustment to Divorce, Parenting Plan: Learn How to Draft a Plan for Your Child's Future, and Anatomy of an Affair.

To find out more about Dr. Sommer, please visit her Divorce and Custody Consultant Website or email her at rsommer@shaw.ca.

Websites for Parents Who Are Divorced, Going Through Divorce, or Considering Divorce

If you Google “divorce,” you’ll get 21,900,000 hits. Add “children” and you’re down to only 7,200,000! Here are four that address the issue of children and custody.

Divorce and Custody Information

On the homepage of Divorceinfo the lawyer who created the site says, “Divorce is just an absolutely awful process. Whether you're the leaver or the left, whether you have children or not, divorce stinks.” One couldn’t state it any more accurately than that. And the advice he offers is just as much to the point and will give you the kind of help you want. From “Helping Your Children Through Divorce” to “Parental Alienation Syndrome,” there is a lot of good information here.

For Parents Whose Marriage is Ending in Divorce

UpToParents is dedicated to three “Truths of Parent Conflict:”

If parents are in conflict, their children are in danger.

Only the parents can protect them from that danger.

When protecting the children is their goal, even the parents are better off--personally, financially, and as parents.

To that end, the site designers have created a free, confidential program that allows parents to “take an interactive timeout from their conflict to consider 100 Commitments they could make to their children in periods of conflict and stress.” Highly recommended.

For Parents Who Never Married

When the relationship of parents who did not marry begins to fall apart, the children can experience the same emotional distress that children have when their parents are married. The legalities of a license means nothing to a child. Relationship means everything. On Proud To Parent you will find free, confidential, and interactive commitments both parents can use, as in the website above.

For Parents Whose Relationship is in Trouble

Parents intending to stay married but wishing to remember their children's needs as they work through marital problems can be helped by the While We Heal website. This also uses the free, confidential, and interactive program of commitments for parents that can go a long way toward protecting the children while healing the marriage.